Everything is One Piece at a Time…this piece fills in a missing piece…I last left my journey sharing with you about my son…and my sign. I thought for this post I would share a time in between…Please note….I don’t tell my journey for sympathy. I’m doing fine. As the Sunday Personals are posted…it helps me to journal as therapy. I am grateful to all of you who follow and read my story…One Piece at a Time.
It was a struggle in the beginning for me…moving over 800 miles from everything and everyone I knew, to go somewhere I’ve never been. We left Indiana that summer because of something that changed MY life forever… I remember it like it was yesterday.
Loading up the U-Haul…in the heat of summer.
Months before our move I received startling news…I was home waiting to go to work when I got a phone call…a woman’s voice on the other line…calling to tell me she had a child with my husband…I was shocked, scared, angry…and confused. Outburst of tears (Me)…Her…surprised by my reaction. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and she let me go…I never heard from her again…and to this day that still remains the same. I should go on and say this happened just before the Hubs and I met…so it doesn’t seem like infidelity on his part…Either way, the Hubs kept a secret…the secret being that the child was true…after the phone call I called the Hubs to parlay my news…our news. Months went by and nothing happened…except something did. He went through all the motions and never told me…the last month before we were set to move I found the truth. It came by mail. I couldn’t believe it. Why didn’t he tell me?
Why? Because I lived in an unhappy marriage…for over 10 years…if we were united as a couple, then maybe he would have told me? I knew I was unhappy, but taking care of the kids got in the way…and by that I mean, there was no time to figure out how to be happy…listening to my inner self and being a Mother. And being a Mother came first.
Before hearing the news…or answering that phone call…I was happy. I was happy to be my kids’ Mother. I smile as I type this…thinking of their sweet youth…chubby little cheeks. Their hugs. Their kisses…and knowing they loved me unconditionally and still do. I think of that summer…that summer before we moved…Bike rides. Skateboards. Little girls and boys laughter filling the house…kids would come from all over to be at the house…it helped that we had a pool…Looking back, my fondest memories are of them. All I wanted was to be loved…and I had my kids love.
My marriage wasn’t horrible in the sense of any form of abuse…it just lacked passion. I was so wrapped up with my children and fixing everything that went wrong, I never had the time to take care of me or listen to myself…Fear plagued my life. Fear of staying…fear of leaving…I was scared when I left Indiana in 2005.
I remember the morning after we left…getting up in the hotel…resting from the long drive and standing out front alone…I was shaky…I stood and looked into the sunlit sky…and I prayed. I told myself, “now wasn’t the time to fall apart” when I had two kids depending on me. Looking back I know I was running…I feared that if I stayed in Indiana I would leave my marriage…and already unhappy marriage…so I ran. I was alone. I had to be the strong one. Keep it all together…until I didn’t. The stress would seep like an open wound…and the toxins spilled everywhere…and didn’t realize until it was too late…My Bo, my son and the effect.
Shame. Ashamed I wasn’t strong enough to walk away. There are no words to describe what this journey has been like…and the pieces in between. In the midst of the storm, one can’t see the horizon of the sunrises and sunsets…the darkness that fills the corners and a fight to see the light…I swallowed my reality to protect my kids…myself. I’m not perfect…but my love for them is. I never said I had all the answers…still don’t. And that is ok…one day at a time…One Piece at a Time…God is Good.
I will continue my journey and how things came together after my sign to leave NC and return to a place I left behind…a place I never wanted to be, again.
Be Good to You.