Hello. It seems like it’s been awhile since I’ve done a Sunday post…with my recent trip out of town, I was unable to put something together…Part 7 is where I left off…
Since the move from NC in 2010…life has been one roller coaster ride after another. As I’ve said…these posts are neither rants, nor pity sessions for me…but a way of journaling for myself. Being brave and sharing something so personal to an audience I hardly know…
I share One Piece at a Time….I’ve shared about my Son. My husband and his “news”. The loss of my job. Debt. Losing my house. My disability. Divorce.
What do I say today? Do I feel sorry for myself? NO. I fight the good fight every day. I do the best I can with what I have and who I am.
My recent trip to NC opened my eyes. I’ve never done ANYTHING on my own. I’ve been a mother since I was 17 and married at 18. All of which became my identity. Now…kids are grown. Life stood still with no job. And the Hubs and I are alone. I knew long ago I wasn’t happy. But I stayed. I stayed for all the wrong reasons, and for all the right reasons.
The night before my flight I could feel the fear. It was talking me out of going. The “what ifs” sank in. The “I’ll be so far away” the “Can I?” kind of thinking…seems silly, but fear of the unknown…even though I was going to a place I called home…crept in. I told myself…I wasn’t going to give in. I got up at 5 in the A.M. and proceeded to get ready…had my coffee…did my hair and make-up and finished packing for the ride to Chicago…
The drive… I was nervous. But I had to fight through the fear. I boarded my plane without a minute to spare and down the runway we go! I was so nervous getting out I forgot to buy a magazine to preoccupy my time…so two hours of pure silence! I’m not one for silence…I can talk to anyone…but not today. The plane makes its way to our scheduled destination…I can see the stadium…the streets…I am a kid in the candy store!!!
I get my rental car…I head straight to campus and surprise my friends and old co-workers…I meet a friend for dinner and then the night sets in…I check into my hotel…Alone. Alone Alone…see where I am going? I feel a little panic. I start to cry…thinking, “What am I doing?” I immediately find the “emergency exit” and plot my escape…BUT WHAT FOR? I pull it together…find some comfort...do some self-affirmations and allow myself to feel what I need to feel and see the new day…I get up…get ready…take in the day…and again, the night falls…again the FEAR creeps in…until it doesn't...I think to myself…”What in the world?” And then my courage sounds off like a fog horn! I am Woman! Hear me roar…or something like that…Very empowering this feeling. I get up the next day…Alone…I decide I want to see the Island…and off I go…Alone. It was Grand! I soaked up the sun…came back...and did a little shopping...this night...more peaceful.
The last day…I get up early…it’s Mother’s Day…my son calls me…wakes me…and then my best girl…I climb out of bed and prepare the another day on the Island…this time I stay a little longer…I smile as I type this…the feeling rushes through me and I can see myself driving the two hours down the highway to make my way to the Island…I sing along with my music…loudly! And dance in my seat…not a care in the world….
I conquered something on this trip. I found courage I didn’t know I had…in a place I called home. Funny how the moments where we call home…we find ourselves on shaky ground…fearful…can I, will I, should I…the answer is…Yes. I am proud of myself…let the healing begin…One Piece at a Time.
More to come…Be Good to You.