Sunday, March 18, 2012

Sunday Personals Pt. 2

Follow the Yellow Brick Road…I love this movie. There’s no place like home…Home is where the heart is =You. The tide comes in, the tide goes out. Seasons change, and the earth brings new life…Your journey should be told with Passion…A Passion worth telling. Life, a story to be told one piece at a time.
My emotions overwhelm me as I sit and put this post together. My journey. For the first time I hear my inner voice. It calls out to me like a whisper in the night…I feel things so passionately…I love to love, yet somehow didn’t know how to Love Me…until recently.
On a recent shopping trip with my little one I realized something…
We shopped…she tried on prom dresses, shoes, picked out accessories…I found myself saying things like, Really? You like that? Not in a crude or crass way…I didn’t realize what I was doing…until I did. I told her I was sorry. I was wrong. Why? Because for as long as I can remember…I did this to myself. I spent my life pleasing others. Wanting to be liked, no loved. I wanted to be what I thought everyone else wanted me to be…I sacrificed my well-being for the good of those around me.  As a Mother, that’s my job and the exception. I wouldn’t have it any other way…I supported friends, family, children, a husband, and co-workers.
I look back…I can’t remember a time I didn’t feel bad about myself. I wanted to be liked (loved). I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be a part of someone’s something. To mean as much to something or someone as I did for the world…It stings. The tears fall from my face admitting the truth about my journey…
John 8:32 Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.
I pause…gathering my thoughts…I thought if I did what others wanted, or what I thought they wanted, I’d be accepted. If I Looked a certain way, Dressed a certain way, Walked a certain way, Talked a certain way…Since the loss of my job my inner voice speaks to me…forcing me to listen. I realize…I need to do this for myself. I need to Love myself. I need to walk, talk, dress and look and be Me for Me. Just like that shopping trip…I need to go out into the world and be who I want to be. I wouldn’t ask the store clerk what to buy…Why should I ask the world, Who am I?
Yesterday I shared that my Mother-n-law has Ovarian Cancer …and that we don’t talk. This is where it gets complicated…there are so many pieces and I need to write one piece at a time…I’ve been married for 18 years, together almost 19. For 18 years I wanted to be loved by her. I wanted to be accepted by her and his family. Nothing was ever good enough…no matter what I did. BUT I still tried. I tried year after year…until one year I didn’t. Somewhere in 2002, things feel apart…and walls were built out of hurt and anger…years went by and life went on…Sunsets and Sunrises…I was busy with my own family and nothing changed, that wall stayed up…we moved to NC and parted ways…not even a “Goodbye” Many years had passed…until news of his Grandfather passing brought us back…to be re-introduced to everything and everyone, my husband’s family…it wasn’t until  years later that we would return here and leave a place I called home…North Carolina…My point? I realize now that no matter what I did, or do, I couldn’t get her approval. I needed to accept myself for who I am and where I am. Love Me some Me. And I do. I like who I am. This isn’t a sales pitch…I’m finally ok if I don’t get the approval of others. I’m ok with how I Look, Walk, and Talk…Me. My Mother-n-law is a piece of my journey…ultimately looking at the pain and forgiving someone who I had no control over…seems less personal. I didn’t like who I was…until now. And that makes it easier to always be the bigger person.
When we can admit the truth about how we feel…we allow room for growth, sometimes without even knowing…I guess it’s better late than never to start somewhere being someone’s, something….just for You (Me).
In the end…Be true to Your Authentic Self. Don’t go out and ask the world, Who You need to be…I encourage everyone to look inside themselves and let go of the misconceptions and expectations we place on ourselves in a Big World and be You. The road has been long. The trials have been many…sufferings, joys, and accepting this Life is good…no matter what the obstacle…as long as You Love You some You…
Be Good to You.


  1. I love this! Thank you so much for sharing your heart. My sister-in-law is the same way. She hates my guts and for the longest time I tried and tried to gain her approval but five years later, she still hates me. She tries to make it her mission to make everyone else hate me as well but thank God that His favor rests upon my life and her evil tactics have no standing. In order for me to live my life, I had to realize that I am who I am and no matter what I can't please her. Maybe one day she'll come around, but I'm tired of trying for her. I love me and that's enough. You're such a great woman! Keep writing. : )

    Vonae Deyshawn

    1. Thank you...I was a little nervous since it was so personal. I need to get over it since this is the reason I started to blog...I'm sorry to hear about your sister-n-law...I know the feeling all to well and the infection that it long as it doesn't infect you...for now, it's her loss...and there is peace in knowing you can only do what You can do. Thanks for the lovely comment, really.

  2. You go Lola! I'm so glad that you got to a place of loving you regardless! I've always been one to just not care what others thought. I think it's what has saved me over the years. I found that I was, and still am, able to help others get to a point of self acceptance. I think it's a gift that God gave me. I pray that your Mother in Law gets well! All you can do is love her regardless. Love her as much as you can stand. One day things will change, because nothing ever stays the same. As I always say, you're in my prayers! Keep being the brave person you are!

    XO Kelley

    1. Thank you for the prayers...I agree with you about the gift...I was just reading on your blog and thought to myself..."I can almost feel the positive spirit through her posts", seriously I thought this as I read about your Birthday and left a message...funny, right? So the gift is true...and it shows and it's good to be a part of it...thanks for stopping by.

  3. Thanks for sharing this honest post. I have so many friends with mother-in-law issues. As a mother of boys, I can almost see why no woman will be good enough and why mother's get jealous when they are not the number one lady in their boys' lives. I can't imagine my little cuties being grown up and telling me that they are going to their wives family for a holiday dinner instead of mine etc.

    That being said, rudeness, nastiness and disapproval are such negative emotions and make it so difficult for you. I hope that you find strength during this difficult time.

    xoxo Julie (japolina)


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