Follow the Yellow Brick Road…I love this movie. There’s no place like home…Home is where the heart is =You. The tide comes in, the tide goes out. Seasons change, and the earth brings new life…Your journey should be told with Passion…A Passion worth telling. Life, a story to be told one piece at a time.
My emotions overwhelm me as I sit and put this post together. My journey. For the first time I hear my inner voice. It calls out to me like a whisper in the night…I feel things so passionately…I love to love, yet somehow didn’t know how to Love Me…until recently.
On a recent shopping trip with my little one I realized something…
We shopped…she tried on prom dresses, shoes, picked out accessories…I found myself saying things like, Really? You like that? Not in a crude or crass way…I didn’t realize what I was doing…until I did. I told her I was sorry. I was wrong. Why? Because for as long as I can remember…I did this to myself. I spent my life pleasing others. Wanting to be liked, no loved. I wanted to be what I thought everyone else wanted me to be…I sacrificed my well-being for the good of those around me. As a Mother, that’s my job and the exception. I wouldn’t have it any other way…I supported friends, family, children, a husband, and co-workers.
I look back…I can’t remember a time I didn’t feel bad about myself. I wanted to be liked (loved). I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be a part of someone’s something. To mean as much to something or someone as I did for the world…It stings. The tears fall from my face admitting the truth about my journey…
John 8:32 Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.
I pause…gathering my thoughts…I thought if I did what others wanted, or what I thought they wanted, I’d be accepted. If I Looked a certain way, Dressed a certain way, Walked a certain way, Talked a certain way…Since the loss of my job my inner voice speaks to me…forcing me to listen. I realize…I need to do this for myself. I need to Love myself. I need to walk, talk, dress and look and be Me for Me. Just like that shopping trip…I need to go out into the world and be who I want to be. I wouldn’t ask the store clerk what to buy…Why should I ask the world, Who am I?
Yesterday I shared that my Mother-n-law has Ovarian Cancer …and that we don’t talk. This is where it gets complicated…there are so many pieces and I need to write one piece at a time…I’ve been married for 18 years, together almost 19. For 18 years I wanted to be loved by her. I wanted to be accepted by her and his family. Nothing was ever good enough…no matter what I did. BUT I still tried. I tried year after year…until one year I didn’t. Somewhere in 2002, things feel apart…and walls were built out of hurt and anger…years went by and life went on…Sunsets and Sunrises…I was busy with my own family and nothing changed, that wall stayed up…we moved to NC and parted ways…not even a “Goodbye” Many years had passed…until news of his Grandfather passing brought us back…to be re-introduced to everything and everyone, my husband’s family…it wasn’t until years later that we would return here and leave a place I called home…North Carolina…My point? I realize now that no matter what I did, or do, I couldn’t get her approval. I needed to accept myself for who I am and where I am. Love Me some Me. And I do. I like who I am. This isn’t a sales pitch…I’m finally ok if I don’t get the approval of others. I’m ok with how I Look, Walk, and Talk…Me. My Mother-n-law is a piece of my journey…ultimately looking at the pain and forgiving someone who I had no control over…seems less personal. I didn’t like who I was…until now. And that makes it easier to always be the bigger person.
When we can admit the truth about how we feel…we allow room for growth, sometimes without even knowing…I guess it’s better late than never to start somewhere being someone’s, something….just for You (Me).
In the end…Be true to Your Authentic Self. Don’t go out and ask the world, Who You need to be…I encourage everyone to look inside themselves and let go of the misconceptions and expectations we place on ourselves in a Big World and be You. The road has been long. The trials have been many…sufferings, joys, and accepting this Life is good…no matter what the obstacle…as long as You Love You some You…
Be Good to You.